The fourth in the series of bad relationship ideas is about holding back the truth out of fear.
Do you sometimes find that when you are talking with your partner you find yourself not quite telling the truth because you are frightened your partner will not like what you are saying?
This also happens when your partner asks you a question, most likely in all innocence, and you find yourself giving a little white lie for an answer because you are again frightened your partner will take the truth the wrong way.
We call this “talking on eggshells” and if it’s done consistently , it will most probably lead to resentment, separation and possibly explosions when you least expect it.
If this is a problem for you, one way to start being more authentic is to tune into yourself when you feel yourself stiffen up, talk around a situation, placate, not answer a question directly or any number of ways you might find yourself talking on eggshells
Recognizing what triggers this reaction is the first place to start dealing with it and changing the way you react.
The third in the series of bad relationship ideas is to do with Social Media.
Social Media sites have been growing in popularity for a few years now. Some, like My Space have dropped out of favour and new sites spring up all the time. Others like Facebook and Twitter continue to grow in popularity.
It is tempting to use these sites to air private, intimate details of your relationship or to embarrass your partner.
You may think you are being entertaining if you post intimate details about your relationship or make fun of your partner but what you risk can often be far greater than the feeling you get from being ‘clever.’
So, my recommendation is…before you ever post anything on Facebook, Twitter or any other social media site is to simply stop for a moment. Stop and consider how your post might feel to your partner.
Consider what you are about to post and whether you truly want others to know this detail about your life and your relationship
Bob Lampard
p.s. If you have regretted making posts in the past, or if you have been on the receiving end of a post made by a partner or friend, please leave a comment and tell others how it made you feel.
In my last post I said I would bring you 7 Bad Relationship Ideas to stay away from. The first was believing your problems would go away if you simply ignore them.
Here is the second:
Creating a “Blended Family” and thinking that love alone will overcome all obstacles.
When attraction hits two people they usually believe everything will work out because they are so in love.
However, if there are two families that need to somehow magically blend together in the process, there are usually big problems that can break up even the most loving couple.
Instead of the idea that ‘love will somehow be enough,’ you have to get practical and create ways you both agree upon that gets you on the same parenting page.
Communication is the key, and learning how to do it effectively with a number of personalities and needs in the mix, needs to be a priority if the blended family is going to work.
Please feel welcome to join in the conversation. I would love to hear your tips on how you overcame this problem.
If you’ve ever wondered what happened when things
have been going along pretty well in your relationship
and suddenly, it feels like the bottom just fell out and
you don’t know why…
You’re not alone.
We’ve all been there and felt that sinking feeling that
we don’t have a clue how this disagreement and
separation happened.
When one or both of you get argumentative,
manipulative, shut down, mistrustful, discouraged,
infuriated or whatever happens in your drama…
It’s because of a bad relationship idea–and those “bad”
ideas turn into beliefs that you hang onto for dear life.
Here’s the thing about a belief…
It’s just an idea you’ve practiced over and over–which is
all well and good if it brings you the happiness you want.
But if the belief or idea doesn’t bring you what you want,
then it’s worth looking at to see if you want to start
practicing another idea or belief that might work better.
In my next few blog posts I will bring you 7 bad relationship
problems that you should stay away from.
Here’s number one:
1. Thinking relationship problems will go away if you
ignore them.
They usually don’t. They usually just keep getting bigger
until you HAVE to do something about them or someone
else takes some action that you may or may not like.
The problem comes in trying to decide if something’s
petty and not worth the effort bringing up, or you’ve brought
it up many times in the past and nothing changes…
Or you need to bring it up because it will only get bigger
if you don’t.
A guideline we use is to first look at what you are doing to
contribute to this situation and then speak from that
place inside with the desire to clear up whatever
misunderstanding there might be.
“I can see that I do this to keep us apart. Can we
talk about how we both contribute to this problem
and find a better way to be together?”
Look out for the next ‘Bad Relationship Idea’.
In the meantime if you have a method you
use when you want to clear up
misunderstandings,leave a comment and help others at the same time.
These tips can help you communicate effectively with your spouse:
1. Above all, love each other. Decide that being loving is more important than being right. If you’re willing to concede in a disagreement, you can diffuse many angry situations without them escalating into a major confrontation.
• Notice the warning signs of an escalating discussion. If you’re starting to raise your voice or say hurtful things to your partner, take a walk and cool off. Instead of thinking about all the reasons the other person is wrong, examine the part you might have played in things getting to this level.
• When you return, apologize for your part in the disagreement. Usually, both parties shoulder some part of the blame in an argument. Then, calmly express your feelings.
• Be careful to speak in terms of how things have affected you, instead of pointing fingers at the other person. Think of the discussion as one you would have with a teammate that is trying to solve the problem, and not as an enemy that must be defeated at all costs.
2. Compromise. Many people think that compromise is an ugly word. However, learning to compromise is a valuable key to peace in your home and in your marriage relationship. Decide that you’ll seek a win-win solution in every situation. When you face a disagreement, think about how both of you can get what you want and need.
• If you both give in a little, you show each other that you’re committed to the relationship above all else. You show your love for your partner in a tangible way when you sacrifice a little of what you want for the good of both of you.
3. Listen Effectively. Many disagreements are caused by a failure to listen attentively and empathetically to your partner. If you learn to listen effectively, your arguments will be shorter and your marriage will be a sweet fellowship of two people who love each other.
• When the other person is speaking, resist the temptation to interrupt. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say to counter your partner’s statements, pay close attention. When your spouse is finished, repeat in your own words what was said. Say, “What I hear you saying is… Is that what you’re saying?”
• This gives your spouse a chance to correct your understanding if you’ve misunderstood what was said. It also shows your partner that you care about solving the problem instead of simply winning the argument. You’ll experience greater emotional intimacy and a quicker resolution that both of you can be happy with.
Strive to embrace difficult conversations as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and show your spouse how much you care. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, seek a solution that makes both of you happy, and let go of the need to be right. If you do, you’ll experience a vibrant, exciting marriage relationship that survives the tough times and lasts a lifetime.
Bob Lampard
Do you want a marriage that’s filled with passion, excitement and mutual respect? The key to experiencing the type of marriage you’ve always dreamed about is effective communication.
At the foundation of every intimate relationship is communication. The greater the depth of communication, the stronger the bond is between you and your spouse.
Marriages survive and thrive when each person shares their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. You develop trust in your relationship by sharing your heart and allowing yourself to become vulnerable. You make that trust grow when you resolve to become a person that makes your spouse feel safe to open up and be vulnerable as well.
Your marriage relationship can often cause complicated emotions within the both of you. If you commit to seeing the other person’s point of view and creating an atmosphere of safety and open communication, however, you can experience a close marriage relationship even when life presents its biggest challenges.
Have you ever found yourself battling feelings of jealousy and possessiveness? These are the two major factors for the destruction of romantic relationships, however being aware of your behaviors and making the decision to change is half the battle! After that, practicing the strategies below can rid you of these negative feelings so you can enjoy healthy relationships.
Signs of Jealousy
The predominant traits of a jealous person are a massive inferiority complex and selfishness. While we might see a jealous person as selfish, we may not recognize that he has an inferiority complex. This is because he masks it with a show of confidence.
Selfishness rears its ugly head when your lover shows even the mildest interest in someone or something else besides you. You resent not being the center of attention and jealousy seizes you. At such times, you won’t care about anyone else’s welfare but your own.
If you have feelings like these, it’s important that you realize they point to jealousy.
A Test of Selfishness
Ask yourself these questions:
• Am I willing to return the favor?
• Am I willing to allow a similar privilege?
If your answer is negative, you’re probably being selfish.
The challenge for you, if you’re jealous, is to overcome your feelings of inferiority and excessive need for approval.
Envy vs. Jealousy
Although people tend to interchange these terms, envy and jealousy are two different emotions. Envy is when you wish you could do as well as the other person. But when you’re jealous, you want to be the only person who’s doing well. The jealous person always wants to deprive the other of his success.
However, envy can be a good thing when you use it properly. It can spur you on to improve yourself and your circumstances.
Possessiveness
In the case of possessiveness, there’s no third person involved. You feel worthless unless someone loves you and proves it by showering you with their complete attention.
Both jealousy and possessiveness spring from the same source: an overwhelming need for love and approval.
The Solutions
Even if you have these traits, it doesn’t have to be that way forever. There are techniques you can use to reduce or eliminate these negative feelings. With a little practice, you can be on your way to enjoying your relationships without the hindrances of jealousy and possessiveness.
Here are some tips that can help you overcome these feelings:
1. Accept yourself. Nobody is perfect! No matter how perfect a person may seem to you, they have some flaws. You don’t need to be perfect to be worthwhile, or loved in order to prove you’re worthy. Why should you allow others to judge your worth? Do they have a PhD in the subject?
2. Be kind to yourself. When you face challenges or a breakup in your relationship, self-blame leads to guilt and feelings of inferiority. If appropriate, blame your actions, but not yourself. Avoid indulging in self-pity, instead count your blessings and you’ll feel more worthy right away.
3. Believe in change. You might think that jealousy and possessiveness are an intrinsic part of you that cannot be changed. However, you only have to consider people who stop smoking or become vegetarians to realize that change is possible. If they can change, so can you!
4. No one can own anyone. It’s common for lovers to fancy that they “belong” to each other. This is one of the most dangerous beliefs of the jealous and possessive person. No matter how much you’ve sacrificed for your lover, you simply mustn’t think of them as you would your car or house.
• If they want to leave, let them go. There’s no point in caging someone who doesn’t care for you any longer. There can be no harmony in such a relationship. All you can do is hope and pray for a change of heart.
5. Cultivate a hobby. Those who make another person the center of their lives are naturally jealous and possessive. One sure-fire way to stop centering your life on your lover is to develop an interest of your own.
• Polish your skills in your hobby, and you’ll notice you’re no longer obsessed with your relationship. That’s because you’re passionate about something other than your lover.
So if you’re jealous and possessive, use these strategies to build your sense of self-worth and learn to see things as they really are. As a result, you’ll find your relationships blossoming into beauty and joy!
I have not been able to update my blog as regularly as I would have liked recently owing to being with my father who is unwell. I am pleased to say he is now out of danger and improving daily so I hope to be back on a more regular basis.
However, I have just been informed of a very special offer which I didn’t want you to miss.
Annalyn Caras, a qualified relationship coach and author of the “Win Back Love” system, is offering her complete system for 24 hours only at an incredible $30 off the normal price.
This special price is only guaranteed until midnight August 2nd 2008.
I can highly recommend this system and have received positive feedback from clients who have purchased the book. Don’t miss out on this offer. The complete system has a no questions money back guarantee if you are not thrilled with the results and comes with 4 special bonuses which alone are worth at least $430.95
I am away from my office at present looking after my father who is not well so today’s post was written by Andrew Rusbatch.
I hope to be back to normal soon as my father , who is 85, seems to be making a full recovery, albeit slowly. In the meantime please enjoy the post and feel free to leave your comments.
Last week I went shopping. It was one of those Saturday morning excursions, where after a leisurely breakfast and a look through the local paper, it seemed appropriate to get out and about and see what is on offer.
The change of season heralds a change of outdoor temperatures, so for me when I awake in the morning, it’s cold and crisp. I had been looking at buying some new shoes for a couple of weeks, and while reading the newspaper I noticed an outlet store offering shoes on sale. Unable to resist, I dragged my partner down there and spent some time inhaling the heady scent of polished leather and admiring all of the beautiful shoes. I came upon a pair of burnished brown cowboy boots, and immediately I froze…
I had to have them. Secretly I had always wanted a pair, but I always worried about what people would think.
I would look stupid
I would look too tall
People will stare
People might laugh
I would look too different!
But I finally came to the realization that I don’t really care. Sure, I care about what people think, but my love for cowboy boots outweighed my fears of what others would say. Walking out of the shop, my partner chuckled and said to me “You’re so quirky, but I really love that about you. You are just who you are.”
That really made me wonder. Maybe my partner could never have the courage to wear burnished brown cowboy boots, but they loved me for the fact that I could. You really begin to love your partner when they can do things that surprise you and you love them for it. They can be an individual and you love them for it. They can be quite unlike the person you are, and yet you still love them.
Many people hold the belief that you should only marry someone like yourself, someone you have lots in common with, so that you can maximize your chances of having a happy marriage. Part of me thinks this is true, as I see a lot of couples who do marry people like themselves and have very happy marriages.
But equally I see people who marry their opposites and have happy marriages too. How do they make their marriages work?
They make their marriages work by keying into each other’s particular needs. Sometimes it takes an opposite to bring forth a side of you that you wouldn’t otherwise have the strength to show. Perhaps they round out your character and allow each of you to develop your strengths to become better people. Perhaps they allow you to develop a different view of the world which offers you a form of enlightenment.
The difference could be what makes your marriage interesting. You always have the opportunity to marvel at learning something new.
The key here is to not be scared of your differences. Love your partner for what makes them different from you. Love them for what makes them different from others. It might be what made you fall in love with them the first time… and it may be what makes you want to fall in love with them again.
Do you remember the first time you dated your spouse?
Bubbling with excitement and filled with anticipation. Don’t you just love these feelings?
The relationship starts to grow. The anxiety subsides and you just want to see more of each other. You do everything in your power to develop and foster the relationship and make sure it continues to grow.
Eventually everything falls into place and you marry and settle down with the person of your dreams. You just want those feelings to last forever and never die.
It is when you are having these feelings that it is easy to assume that things will always be the same. However, it is at this point you can so easily begin to take things for granted, and the point when future marriage problems are hatched.
Taking the relationship for granted is a sure way of heading towards disaster. If this is happening, or has happened, to you it is imperative you put some heart into bringing back some excitement into the relationship…NOW!
Remember there is no finishing line, no end zone to how far and how much you can grow and nurture your love for each other
Bob Lampard
P.S. It is never too late to bring back love. Please leave a comment as to how you did it.
