Are You Smothering Your Marriage?

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I was asked for advice and suggestions from Chris following a period of marriage counseling. It seems that despite the counseling nothing much has changed and everything is still mediocre. His wife now says she is no longer in love with him and is considering leaving.

Chris did admit that he worries over his wife when she is upset and tends to smother her.

Many couples find that even after several counseling sessions little has changed and they are no closer to communicating with each other or solving their problems.

Counseling can only be effective if both partners make a commitment to really wanting to save their marriage.

You both must be prepared to participate with the hope of learning something about yourself rather than trying to manipulate the counselor to take your side and confirm that you are right. You must both accept that whilst in the counseling process you will need to learn and grow.

If you think that you have done all the growing you need, then this is a guarantee that your counseling is going to fail.

You both need to accept and commit to a different way of looking at your marriage. It may not be something you will like doing, but if you are to succeed in saving your marriage it is going to involve some self examination and sacrifice.

When one partner loves the other to an alarming degree then it is likely the other will feel smothered which will ultimately put a damper on the whole relationship.

Anger and resentment will build up and, if unexpressed, will eventually explode and the smothered partner will decide there is nothing to lose by ending the marriage.

Trying to control your spouse by your actions, thoughts or feelings will undoubtedly rebound on you and have a harmful effect on the marriage.

You need to be brave and ask your partner if they need a little space. Don’t then take offense if they say yes. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to do everything together. You both need to have friends and hobbies outside the marriage.

Try to see the difference between attachment and possessiveness. If you find yourself fussing over your partner every time they get a little upset over something, or checking they are ok several times a day, it is time to analyze your own feelings and insecurities.

Many common marriage problems are caused by insecurity, which can leave partners stressed, which in turn fuels insecurity. The outcome is then more marriage problems that otherwise wouldn’t exist.

Instead of looking at the marriage problems, try to find the underlying cause. You may find that the problem is just a symptom of this underlying cause and resolving this will ultimately save your marriage.

Bob Lampard