“My wife has left me but I love her and want her back. What should I do?”
Well, to be able to give a better answer to this question I would really need to know the reason Moten’s wife left him.
However, there are a few simple and basic steps anyone can do in a situation like this.
For whatever reason your wife left you it is wise to acknowledge that you need to spend some time apart to allow her to deal with her feelings and to allow the waters to calm a little.
Any attempt at a discussion during the first few weeks will certainly not be constructive as she will most likely still be having negative thoughts about being around you. Allow her some time to be able to let go of these feelings. depending on how long you have been together, she may even begin to miss the fact you are not around.
After a few weeks it may be time to make contact. However, do it in a friendly way and in no way sound pushy or desperate. Now would be a good time to apologize to her for your past mistakes and acknowledge her right to feel the way she does.
At this time do not attempt to get her to take you back, or to bring up any of her past mistakes. She needs to begin to see you are sincere and that no conditions are being made.
Listen, really listen to what she has to say and put yourself in her position to try to see her point of view. Now is not a good idea to argue, even if you do not entirely agree with her! Simply listening will help her to feel understood and is a first step towards mending your relationship.
Tell her you want to remain friends. You have to keep her in your life to have a chance to get back together again, but if you appear desperate or needy you will just scare her further away. She needs to feel safe around you with no expectations.
Just be cheerful around her as well as showing you still care. Never get upset or bitter about the fact you are apart.
She will be attracted to you much more if you show her you are confident, happy and at your best, just as you were when you first met. Show her that you are moving on with your life, without acting like you are glad to be rid of her, or she will see no point in trying to work things out.
It may seem wrong, but you need to show her you are a strong and capable person who does not depend on her for your happiness. You should not be clingy or needy as this will definitely put her off.
Whenever you meet or speak with her, smile and be cheerful. Remember, people always want what they can’t have. That is not to say you should make yourself unavailable or be uncaring. Try to be the person she once was attracted to and you will be on your way to regaining the love you once both had.
Bob Lampard
p.s. Agree or disagree? Have any further suggestions? Why not leave a comment and join the discussion?
I was asked for advice and suggestions from Chris following a period of marriage counseling. It seems that despite the counseling nothing much has changed and everything is still mediocre. His wife now says she is no longer in love with him and is considering leaving.
Chris did admit that he worries over his wife when she is upset and tends to smother her.
Many couples find that even after several counseling sessions little has changed and they are no closer to communicating with each other or solving their problems.
Counseling can only be effective if both partners make a commitment to really wanting to save their marriage.
You both must be prepared to participate with the hope of learning something about yourself rather than trying to manipulate the counselor to take your side and confirm that you are right. You must both accept that whilst in the counseling process you will need to learn and grow.
If you think that you have done all the growing you need, then this is a guarantee that your counseling is going to fail.
You both need to accept and commit to a different way of looking at your marriage. It may not be something you will like doing, but if you are to succeed in saving your marriage it is going to involve some self examination and sacrifice.
When one partner loves the other to an alarming degree then it is likely the other will feel smothered which will ultimately put a damper on the whole relationship.
Anger and resentment will build up and, if unexpressed, will eventually explode and the smothered partner will decide there is nothing to lose by ending the marriage.
Trying to control your spouse by your actions, thoughts or feelings will undoubtedly rebound on you and have a harmful effect on the marriage.
You need to be brave and ask your partner if they need a little space. Don’t then take offense if they say yes. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to do everything together. You both need to have friends and hobbies outside the marriage.
Try to see the difference between attachment and possessiveness. If you find yourself fussing over your partner every time they get a little upset over something, or checking they are ok several times a day, it is time to analyze your own feelings and insecurities.
Many common marriage problems are caused by insecurity, which can leave partners stressed, which in turn fuels insecurity. The outcome is then more marriage problems that otherwise wouldn’t exist.
Instead of looking at the marriage problems, try to find the underlying cause. You may find that the problem is just a symptom of this underlying cause and resolving this will ultimately save your marriage.
Bob Lampard
p.s. If you found this article helpful or have any other thoughts on the matter, please feel free to leave a comment below.
Is your husband suggesting you split up for a while to try to find your lost feelings?
Does your wife seem to have lost interest in your marriage and is asking for a trial separation?
While I personally do not recommend trial separations, I do acknowledge that they can sometimes work and help to save your marriage, but only if some ground rules are laid down before the split is made.
There are many people suffering marital difficulties who believe that a few weeks apart will calm the waters and solve all their problems. Their intention is to reduce the tension in the relationship. However a sudden decision to separate for a while can become a destructive force if certain guidelines are not followed.
Here are some basic rules that I would recommend regarding trial separations.
Firstly, the separation should never be used as a way of hurting or punishing their partner in some way. This is not separation for the correct reasons and will probably cause more harm than good.
Secondly, it is important that both partners maintain regular contact. Schedule meetings or dates when you are able to discuss how you are both feeling and whether any progress is being made.
Thirdly, both partners should be clear as to what they are hoping to achieve from the separation. They should both make goals as to what they want and communicate these to each other to enable each of you to measure the progress you are making.
Trial separations should be about alleviating the stress and giving each other the space to evaluate the best ways of resolving the problems and both partners should be committed to bringing this about.
If you do decide on a trial separation here are a couple of no, no’s.
Don’t beg your partner to return or show them you are needy. Desperation will only cause then to feel suffocated and push them further away.
Don’t try to make them jealous by rushing out to every party and flirting with your friends. Again this will probably have the effect of encouraging your partner to do the same.
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I had a question from Joseph, who asked how to treat his wife with the love she deserves after she had taken him back.
It takes a long time to build a relationship, but a short time to destroy it. The failure cycle, once started, gathers it’s own momentum and needs no pushing.
It is more often the man who is responsible for the cracks that appear in a relationship. Sometimes it is because he is ambitious and gets too involved with his work that he forgets about his wife. The distances increase and a rift appears.
A marriage is also affected if the man enters into another relationship. Life then becomes difficult for him and the more he tries to hide it, the more he complicates things.
The early signs that a relationship is in trouble are:
The man spends less time with his partner
An increase in arguments and quarrels over insignificant issues
A gradual loss of trust in each other
A big drop in their sex lives
Both start finding fault with each other.
It is important for the man to notice these signs and realise that it is impossible to live in a world of their own and allow the marriage to fall apart.
They need to understand why cracks are appearing in their relationship. is it because he is taking his spouse for granted by becoming so involved in his work? This happens in so many relationships.
The spontaneity in the relationship vanishes. The wife waits for her husband to find time for her, which leads first to boredom, then anger and then depression. In some cases it even forces her to seek another relationship. The man must act before this happens.
He must assure his wife there is no other woman in his life. He must break all ties that may have developed if he hopes to save his marriage.
He will need to show remorse
He will have to beg forgiveness
He will have to assure his wife it will not happen again
Even then he will be lucky if he is forgiven. He must expect the chill to continue for some time. He must make his life and everything he does an open book. It is totally up to him to win his wife’s affection again.
If trust is to be rebuilt, both parties need to treat each other with respect. The man must create a space where the woman can feel comfortable. he must listen to her with courtesy and seriousness. She must never be made to feel small in front of her friends, family or children. He must never hurt her pride, for any man who runs his wife down can never expect the relationship to last.
Bob Lampard
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I was asked a question by Jennifer as to how she could regain the trust of her husband in their relationship.
Learning how to trust again is a very difficult phase when you are trying to repair a current relationship.
You will first need time to heal and be comfortable with yourself before the process can begin. Learning to trust comes only from seeing your partner laying all their cards on the table and making their lives an open book.
It will be an extremely long, slow process, but it will improve with the passing of time. Once your partner’s stories check out as true and when you feel they are completely truthful and not hiding anything from you, then you are on your way to trusting again.
Your partner must be willing to go along with this process wholeheartedly. If they are not helping the process along then it simply will not work and the process will never end.
If your spouse is forever hurting you emotionally you often wish that if they would change their behaviour you’d be happy and could have a happy marriage.
Whilst this sounds simple enough remember you can never force anyone to change. Make a commitment to being happy whether or not your spouse ever changes. After all, you can never give out what you don’t have inside. So if you are not happy yourself you cannot create a happy marriage. Work on changing yourself to be the kind of partner you wish you had.
Bob Lampard
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If you are having problems within your marriage you will need to set aside some time when you can both work through the issues.
If you were seeing a therapist you would have a schedule of appointments. So, why not schedule times with your partner when you can talk?
It is important that during these times you are unlikely to be interrupted so that you are not distracted by other things. Take the time to focus on your marriage.
Why not fix a time away from your home to maybe bring a new perspective to your discussions? A walk, a picnic or even a trip to the beach will undoubtedly change your feelings about what you are discussing.
Your relationship is unique to you both and what works for others may not work for you. This is why communicating with each other is so important. When you are both able to talk honestly about your needs and feelings you will be able to create plans that make sense to you as to how you want things to work out.
Your methods may not be ‘normal’ but as long as they are making your relationship happier and healthier the only importance is that they work.
There is nothing to stop you reading what therapists and other experienced people write. Bookstores have sections for relationship problems and libraries will give you free access to a selection of such books.
Find something that works for you and your marriage. It may take some time but it will be worth it.
During the time when I was trying to save my marriage I often found that something I said or did was taken the wrong way. What I thought was the right thing to say or do turned out to be the opposite.
It was not until I realised that however hard I tried I could not always be perfect, that I stopped kicking myself for these errors of judgement, and just continued to do everything I could that was best for our relationship.
How many times have you or your partner made a promise and then not followed through, leaving the other upset and frustrated?
If you have made promises in the past that you have not kept, are you now afraid to make further promises to your partner? Afraid that you will let them down once again. Afraid that you will not be able to be perfect in everything you do.
The truth is that no one is perfect. All we can ever do is try our best.
If your marriage is going through troubled times, one of the best things you can do is to make a promise to each other that you will do your best to make things better between you both.
Promise that you will do whatever it takes to fix whatever has been broken. Promise that you will give this all your time and attention. Promise that you will try your best.
Then stick to that promise.
Even if you are in therapy you cannot always be perfect in rebuilding your relationship. Things can go wrong: People make mistakes: Life has a habit of throwing you a curved ball now and then. You will not always do everything right.
To go into saving your marriage thinking that everything will be easy and that you will not have setbacks is just not realistic.
What matters the most is that you will do the best for your relationship and try to keep moving forward.
Whilst trying your best, remember to forgive not only your partner, but also yourself when the choice you take is maybe not the correct one.
It is not these mistakes, but how you learn from them and recover, that will make your marriage stronger in the end.
If your marriage is going through bad times then you will need help to make things right again, but not everyone has the time, or can afford to obtain professional help.
However, I have some good news for you. Although you may need a therapist in the future, you CAN save your marriage without one and you are certainly in the right place to make a start.
The first thing to do is to sit down and think about why you want to save your marriage.
Do you really want to regain the love you once had or are you trying to save face with your family and friends, or even yourself?
Are you afraid what others might say if your marriage fails? Will it dent your ego?
If these or similar thoughts come to mind then the chances are you are only putting off the inevitable.
I’m sorry for being so blunt, but sometimes the truth can hurt and it is often better to know from the outset.
If, on the other hand, you have quietly drifted apart over time, some infidelity has occured, or some other reason is causing your marriage to go through troubled times and you truly want to rescue your marriage and regain the relationship and love you once had, then I can tell you that it can be done.
Start by telling your partner how you feel. Why you want to save your marriage. Sit down with them and and remind them of fond memories and times when things were much better.
Discuss the reasons and things that are keeping you together now.
Get out your photo albums and talk about those holidays, birthdays, and Christmas times you had together. There is no reason why you both cannot enjoy these again if you really want to.
Sometimes simply talking about these memories can help you put your current problems into perspective and set you on the path to a renewed life together and a much healthier relationship.
Remember, your marital problems didn’t start in one day and they won’t stop in one day either. My newsletter will bring you regular tips and resources, direct to your inbox, to help you to save your marriage. Just fill in your details in the form to the right to join and receive with my compliments my e.book ‘3 Simple Changes To Save Your Marriage’
